Jill Rees: Welcome Press

My Daddy is as tall as a tree and the neighbours say he is as strong as an ox. I was always proud to be his little girl, and even after my two sisters Emma and Janey were born, he told me I was still his precious treasure. He used to sit me on his knee and tell bedtime stories, after my sisters had been put to bed. His stories are amazing. Teddy bears come to life and do daredevil feats, swinging from the lights and saving little girls from panthers with prowling eyes and giant bats that fly in through the open windows.

We always had the windows open at night, even when the snow almost came over the window sills in the middle of winter and the temperature was below freezing. We weren’t cold, because the house walls were warm from the embers of the fire in the living room, and we snuggled under our quilts made of duck feathers! Sometimes I imagined my mother running after the ducks as they skidded across the ice, trying to trap them with her broom to stuff our duvets! My mother could do anything. She told me off when I was naughty, or didn’t help look after my sisters, but she always smiled at me secretly from the kitchen. When I remember her I imagine she winks at me, but I can’t remember her really doing that. The morning we woke and Daddy told us she had left was the worst day of my life. Why would she leave us?

Soon though, Margit came to live with us, and she was just as kind, although quieter than Mother. My brother Thomas came along soon after, and gave us more work. He was so funny, I would do anything for him. He is the one I miss the most, because I used to tell him the stories Daddy had told me, and he laughed and screamed in all the right places.

We live on a hill, and in the winter we would ski to school. Daddy picked us up in the afternoon, so we didn’t have to lug the skis back up the hill again. Even when I was lonely, the mountains arched over like great white angels, keeping me company. With the thaw in February, the tiny white petals of the Edelweiss peeping through the melting snow made your heart sing out with joy. After trudging through ever darkening snow in your heavy boots all winter, to be able to skip along the tinkling pavements in the spring was wonderful, and all the women cleaning their steps would cry out,

‘Good morning, Julie! How is the baby?’ they were always asking how is the baby, because Thomas had asthma, which means he found it troublesome to breathe and so, if he wasn’t with me, it meant he was ill again and had to stay at home.

I knew everyone at school, they were mostly my cousins. Apart from Mr Fenester, the retired piano tuner with the long beard who was very strange and we had to avoid him, no-one ever left the town nor came to live from elsewhere. Except Mother of course, who ran off for no good reason.  Although I sometimes overheard people say my Daddy was a cuckold, Daddy said that the one thing he was not, was that. I imagine it means he shouted at Mother and drove her away, but nothing could be further from the truth. Mother never did anything to upset him or spoke against him. Margit argues with him more than Mother ever did, and he doesn’t even shout at her. He just walks outside and gets on with his project in the shed.

The whole town laughs about Daddy’s project. There is a lot of banging, and a lot of to-ing and fro-ing with wheelbarrows full of dirt, but Daddy always said it would a wonderful workshop when it was finished. Sometimes Daddy gets the lodger, Harry, to help him with it. I never used to know Harry very well. He is a tall bent over man, younger than Daddy but somehow weak. He never smiles, which is why I never liked him. He also always gave me funny looks, as if he didn’t like me, especially when Daddy cuddled me on his knee. I think he was jealous. But Daddy said he was an OK bloke and they had the same ideas, and he was happy to do the dirty work. Margit used to say he wasn’t all there, and we should pity him, and anyway at least he paid the rent on time, unlike some of them.

While sometimes the lodgers didn’t pay all they owed us, Daddy never insisted they paid or got the police, despite Margit trying to make him. He didn’t want them snooping around. Another thing Daddy hates as well as the police is the taxman, and he says things used to be better when the parasitic scum weren’t in the country.

A strange thing happened. I would have gone to Margit straight away if I’d known what it was, but I thought I was dying and a bat had bitten me on the leg - I was half asleep! I woke up suddenly with my legs covered in blood. Daddy was quite calm, which helped. He hesitated for a moment then called Margit. It was she who cleaned me up and said I am a woman now. Then she cried.

The other time she cries is on Sunday when she has come back from the Church. Margit goes every week. Daddy won’t go or let her take us as he says they are hypocritical scum. Margit told me she goes there to pray to God. When I asked her what she prayed for, she glanced at the door and said almost inaudibly,

‘I pray to live’, which I thought was kind of cool, to pray for your whole life.

I don’t understand why Daddy wanted me to stop going to school, but he told Margit that he was going to send me off to join Mother. I wish he had! I didn’t even know he knew where Mother was, but I wish she would come and see me sometimes. Margit gave him a suspicious kind of look when he said that. Maybe she thought he was still in love with Mother and might change them round again, but I don’t think that will ever happen. Daddy never says anything nice about Mother, even though she was really the most lovely person.

On the Saturday, Daddy said his workshop was finished more or less, and he would be putting in some tools and a few odds and ends. The van came last Sunday morning, driven by Harry of course, who looked at me in an even weirder way than normal, and all day stuff got taken into the shed. It was truly amazing that so much stuff could fit in there. I didn’t see what it all was, because we were banned from watching, but I’m sure I caught sight of a sofa hidden under a sort of carpet! Finally Daddy collapsed in his chair and called for a beer for him and Harry. Harry kept laughing and looking at me, until Daddy gave me a kiss and told me to go off to bed now.

It was Sunday when Margit was in Church that Daddy said we had to go now and to pack some things. I thought we are going to see Mother and was delirious with anticipation to see her again. But it was not to be. Imagine my surprise when, instead of going to the car, Daddy took me out to his workshop and opened a huge iron door that just looked like wooden slats on the outside. It was amazing inside the door! There were stairs leading down down, a long long way down, then another iron door which rung out from the outside but on the inside was lined with thick cloth so that it made no noise when you bang it. I know, because I have spent a lot of time since trying to bang it and make noise so Mrs Hersel can hear me.  But you can’t make any noise. Inside this door, which Daddy opened with lots of keys he carried on a big bunch that hung from his pocket, was a thin corridor with one electric light, and then it opened onto three rooms. One was a miniature bathroom and toilet, all made up and decorated, and even with a towel and soap. The second was a tiny padded cupboard which Daddy said would be where he would shut me in if I were naughty and didn’t co-operate. The third room opened up into a lounge and the sofa was like a bed.

Daddy said I have to live here now and that I won’t get to see Thomas again. There is a TV and when it shows the skiing I can see my beloved mountains, and there is a channel dedicated to beautiful Austria for tourists, so I can even look at the mountains and fields in summer when there is no snow. There is a lake that I think I have been to with Mother. The children’s programmes are fun, but I feel lonely on my own. Although i can see the mountains it isn’t the same as being outside with my friends breathing the crisp air that tastes like vanilla ice-cream on my lips.

After a couple of days when I’d got used to it a bit, Daddy said I had to do something for him because of the blood thing. He had something bothering him and I had to lick it better. There was a drink in it and it didn’t taste nice but Daddy made me drink it anyway. The worse thing was when Harry came through the corridor and he had the same thing going on between his legs and I had to help him as well. It was bad because he smelled disgusting and also because I didn’t like him and he wasn’t my Daddy, but Daddy said we had to help him because he had done a lot of work on the new apartments. That means he built this place where I live now. Daddy calls it the apartments, but it’s more like a cave in a way. Daddy goes away and only comes back when he has his trouble.

This morning something really bad happened. Daddy said the thing was really bothering him and I had to help him out some more. He really hurt me this time and I thought I was going to die. Since then I have been on my own and there I almost wish I could die. And it strikes me that maybe mother didn’t run off, because she never went against him. And when I think like this I think there is only one way to see Mother again, but I wish I could be sure.

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Tags: Amstetten, child abuse, short story